Time for the Weekend Freewrite! Every Saturday or Sunday–depending on how lazy I am–I’ll write a short essay about whatever I feel like. This week: How to lose weight and stay fit!
The other day, I was talking with a friend about how we spent our respective holiday seasons. It turns out, both of us lead incredibly boring and uneventful lives, but that’s beside the point. During this conversation about how dull we are, my friend mentioned to me that she had given up drinking beer in an attempt to lose the weight she had gained from beer. Since I consider my opinions to be facts, I immediately started giving her unsolicited health and fitness advice, and now, I’m passing that unsolicited advice on to you! Read on to learn how to get–and stay–fit while still being able to get drunk and eat shitty food!
Step 1: Buy a scale
Avoiding scales is easy. Scales tell you uncomfortable and awful truths about how you’re either a bucket of flab or a twig that nobody could ever find attractive, and that sucks. If you avoid a scale, you won’t have to face these facts. And not facing facts is great!
Except if you’re trying to lose weight and get fit, you need to buy a scale and use it every day. Personally, I keep mine in my bathroom and reflexively check it 9348572038741021 times daily. Sometimes I even weigh myself immediately before and after I shit. My record is two pounds! Now, you obviously don’t need to do that, but you do need to weigh yourself every day. Pick a time–I use 8:30 in the morning–and check the scale. It’ll be brutal at first, but as you steadily start to lose weight (or gain it, if you’re trying to build muscle), you’ll feel gradually better about yourself.
Step 2: Figure out your caloric output
Losing weight is, in its most simplified definition, consuming less calories than you use. The thing is, not many people really know how many calories they burn each day. Luckily, the Internet can help! I like to use the ExRx calculator–linked here–to determine how many calories I require on average. Another way to estimate how many calories your body burns each day to make you not die is to use the Karth-McArdle formula, which determines your resting metabolic rate (i.e., how many calories you need each day to live). The formula looks like this: 9.81 x (your weight x (1 – your body fat %))+370. So, to use an example of someone who is 150 pounds and 15% body fat, you would determine the resting metabolic rate like so: 9.81 x(150 x (1-.15))+370= 1621. That’s how many calories this person’s body would use if s/he only lay sedentary for the day. Now, you simply add an estimate of how many calories burned doing various activities (like walking) for the full number. Personally, I think it’s easier to just use the ExRx calculator. You’re already dieting; don’t make it worse by adding math.
Step 3: Adjust your diet
Dieting is shitty and awful, but it doesn’t have to be THAT shitty and awful. If you make some rules for yourself and adhere to them, you can lose weight without wanting to kill yourself and everyone around you. The easiest way to do this is the 75/25 rule, which means that 75% of your daily caloric intake has to be healthy and 25% can then be a treat. So, on a 2,000 calorie diet, you’d get 500 calories of pleasure foods or drinks. That’s two Starbucks frappuccinos and a king-sized Snickers bar. Still being able to eat junk food makes any diet better! Another thing you can do is to simply stop eating at night. After 8 PM, I don’t eat anything (unless I have to pull an allnighter for some reason). It helps! You should also eat more protein. It takes more energy for your body to digest protein than any other type of nutrient. Not to mention: GAINS, MOTHERFUCKER. Buy yourself a ton of fish and chicken and add them to your diet.
The Internet is full of tips and ideas to help you be fit. Here are some more that I’ve heard: When you want a snack, eat fruit; cut soda from your diet; drink your coffee black (I actually do this one, 10/10 would recommend); take Metamucil and shit yourself thin; stop drinking alcohol (Note: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA); and keep a public log of your weight loss (or gain) where other people can see it. SHAME THE POUNDS AWAY. But really, the important thing is to find a diet plan that works for you and stick with it. Simple adjustments can do wonders, and you don’t have to go full-on Atkins Diet and hate yourself.
Step 4: Don’t skimp on cardio
If you go to a gym right now, you’re going to see a bunch of overweight guys trying to get rid of their beer guts using nothing but bench presses and bicep curls. It will NEVER work. When you go to the gym, spend at least 45 minutes doing some form of cardio. Since I have a grand total of zero (0) functioning knees, I do low-impact stuff. ELLIPTICAL ALL DAY. Did you know that an hour on the elliptical can burn 750 calories? It can! And, since 25% of those calories can be junk food, that’s an extra 187 calories of Oreos that I can consume. Seriously, don’t skip cardio. It sucks and takes forever, but it’s important.
Step 5: Don’t lift weights like an idiot
Cardio is great for burning away excess body fat, but if you want to replace that fat with anything, you are going to have to lift. If you do lift, DON’T BE THAT GUY WHO JUST DOES BICEP CURLS AND BENCH PRESSES. That guy sucks and nobody loves him. The easiest way to not lift like a twat is to separate your body into four different muscle groups: Back and shoulders, chest and triceps, abs and core, and legs. Now, divide your gym time up between these groups. You should try to lift between three and five times a week. Less than three probably isn’t enough, and more than five is probably too much. I lift five times a week (three days on, one day off, two days on, one day off), and I split my workouts like this: Back and shoulders (2 days), chest and triceps (2 days), legs (1 day). At the end of each work-out, I do three sets of 10 bicep curls and spend about 20 minutes on abs and core. I find this plan to work for me, but it can vary from person to person. Check online for other plans, and find something that you enjoy. Just don’t skip leg day. Everyone can tell when you skip leg day. And remember, lifting weights won’t lead to weight loss, just muscle growth.
Getting in shape will always be kind of a pain in the ass, but it doesn’t have to be torture. Contrary to popular belief, you CAN still enjoy Cheez-its and beer while losing weight, as long as you don’t allow yourself to fall into a pattern of excess junk food consumption. If you make a plan and stick to it, you will see results, and when you see results, you’ll feel better about yourself. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go buy Panda Express and stare angrily at my love handles in the mirror.
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