Each Wednesday, I will be providing a run-down of the previous week’s top stories from around the NFL. This week will cover the Divisional round, Chris Johnson, and the MVP race.
1.) The Divisional Round was really good!
The difference in quality between the games in Wildcard Weekend and those in the Divisional Round was night and day. The wildcard games were an affront to both God and Man, whereas the second round of the playoffs gave us three great games and one that featured the Seahawks. Nothing good can happen when the Seahawks play.
The neat thing is, there isn’t really a lot to complain about this week. Last week, the most exciting game ended 30-17, whereas this week, that was the LEAST exciting game. As it should be! However, with that being said, there is lots to discuss. So let’s dive in!
Baltimore Ravens (31) at New England Patriots (35)
By the end of the first quarter, the Ravens were up 14-0. PLAYOFF JOE FLACCO had already thrown two touchdowns, and the Patriots weren’t getting dick done on the field. It looked like the Ravens were going to run away with this one, and then win the Superbowl. This would suck, because the Ravens front-office is run by sociopathic dipwads who tried and utterly failed to cover up the VIDEO EVIDENCE that one of their star players beat his fiancée unconscious in an Atlantic City elevator, and then found a way to do literally everything else wrong afterwards. I LIKE RAY RICE. Fuckholes. And you just know that if this team had won the Superbowl, Roger “Ginger-Haired Penis” Goodell would give a speech about how they overcame adversity on their way to victory, while painting Janay Rice as the cause of her beating and not the victim. And then God would have sucked the entire stadium right to Hell on the spot.
Luckily, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, the Patriots won. That made me feel dirty to type. But it’s true, the Machiavellian dictatorship that is New England and the ungrateful little shits that are all the fans are both infinitely more likeable than everything associated with the Baltimore Ravens. The Patriots came back from a 14-point deficit twice, held Baltimore to a field goal at a key moment late in the game, managed to take the lead, gave PLAYOFF JOE FLACCO enough time to march his team downfield to within scoring distance, and finally won the game when PLAYOFF JOE FLACCO remembered that he’s still Joe Flacco after all and threw a bafflingly stupid interception. HOORAY!
Carolina Panthers (17) at Seattle Seahawks (31)
I’m somewhat amazed that the score to this game was as close as this. Just like everyone else on the planet (up to and including Tajikistani orphans who don’t even know that American Football is a sport), I thought Seattle was going to win this game by a score of 45-7. But it was 14-10 at halftime! Carolina actually moved the ball fairly well and looked like they might be able to keep the game alive.
Of course, it was 31-10 by the middle of the fourth quarter. At this point I stopped watching because I realized that the Panthers are awful in that they suck, and the Seahawks are awful in that 9/11 truthering douchenozzle Pete Carroll is the head coach, and that I would be much more emotionally invested in eating cheese. But apparently, Carolina kept Seattle out of the endzone and the very end, and even managed to steal a touchdown back! So good job, Panthers! You don’t totally suck.
Dallas Cowboys (21) at Green Bay Packers (26)
Okay, I’ve got to get something out of the way before I talk about this game: SPLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that that’s taken care of, let’s talk about Dez Bryant’s catch-that-wasn’t-a-catch. It wasn’t a catch. Although Bryant had control of the ball as he was going to the ground, the NFL rules state that in order for it to be a catch, you have to maintain that control through to the ground. Bryant didn’t do that. It was a fairly straightforward application of the Calvin Johnson rule, and in this shittily officiated game, it was one of the few calls that the refs got right. With that being said, the NFL needs to reexamine this rule in the off-season, and I don’t think that’s going to be as easy as everyone wants it to be. The Calvin Johnson rule does have a purpose in existing; if it didn’t, defending receivers would literally be impossible.
But let’s go back to Dez Bryant. He was, from the moment he made contact with the ball, in the process of going to the ground. That makes every single “football move” argument irrelevant, per article 8.1.3 of the NFL rulebook, a book which is more complicated than Paradise Lost. I think the NFL would do well to add the “act common to the game” thing to the process of going to the ground. Because Bryant’s lunge for the endzone should have constituted a football move. Basically, don’t make the football move irrelevant for receivers going to the ground. That would clear up a lot of the confusion on plays like this one. Of course, since this is the NFL, they won’t do that and will instead see if they can’t fine Brandon Marshall the entire GDP of Panama for wearing green shoes.
Indianapolis Colts (24) at Denver Broncos (13)
Guys, we may have just watched Peyton Manning’s last game. This is it everyone. From now one, every player we cheer for will be younger than us. I’m 21 years old. I shouldn’t feel so…old. Also, can we all give CJ Anderson a hug? He did everything he could for Denver; he tried, when the entire team gave up. And then in the post-game press conference, he blamed himself for not doing even more. I feel bad for the guy. DON’T BE SAD, CJ, YOU WERE AWESOME!
2.) Chris Johnson cited for misdemeanor weapons violation
At first, I thought that Jets running back Chris Johnson’s misdemeanor was something of a non-story. I tend not to care too much when athletes do dumb shit, because, well, I’m the same age as they are and I’m a fucking idiot. If I got ten million dollars to play a sport, I’d probably be EVEN MORE of a fucking idiot. But then when I read the story, I realized something: This isn’t even Chris Johnson’s fault; our gun laws are just rockfuck stupid! Seriously, Israel has saner gun laws than we do, and they’re an active war zone.
The problem with American gun laws, other than everything, is their rampaging inconsistency. Some states have extensive processes of testing and certification you have to go through in order to even get a gun, whereas others let you take your AR-15 with you when you pick your kids up from day care. Chris Johnson was cited in Florida, because the state allows concealed carry without a permit, but you have to be certified for open carry. For some fucking reason. This actually makes me terrified to go to Florida. WHAT IF I GO TO MCDONALDS AND THE CASHIER SHOOTS MY FACE?! Terrifying. Anyway, Johnson was carrying his gun openly, and got cited for it. If he were in, like, a saner state, he’d have been completely fine. What I really don’t understand is why Florida considers concealed weapons to be less of a threat than openly-carried ones. Florida makes no sense. Can we just give it to Cuba as a show of good faith, make Puerto Rico a state, and move on as a happier country?
3.) Aaron Rodgers wins MVP award
I love the MVP award, because it’s entirely meaningless, but it still makes people on the Internet foam at the mouth. HOW COULD AARON RODGERS WIN AND NOT JJ WATT RAWR RAWR RAWR! It’s great, especially if you hate yourself!
Anyway to answer my all-caps and blatantly sarcastic question up there, Rodgers won because “MVP” stands for “Most Valuable Player.” Houston with Watt is a 9-7 team; Houston without Watt is a 7-9 team. Green Bay with Rodgers is a 12-4 team; Green Bay without Rodgers is an unmitigated disaster that hurts to watch. Watt and Rodgers were equally amazing this season, but Rodgers is more important to the success of his team. That being said, JJ Watt is an inhuman freak, and he’ll probably be MVP next year, especially if he drags Houston to the playoffs, which he very well might. Hopefully that year’s Wildcard Weekend won’t be unwatchable.
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